Many of you know me from my viral blog post “AND SO I STAYED” or from the national scandal that emerged as a result. In that post, I wrote about my abusive marriage and the reasons why I stayed. It gained national attention because my ex-husband worked in the White House under President Trump. But what most of you do not know is that my marriage was not my first abusive relationship.
Does that make me less worthy of your sympathy? I used to think so. This is why when the White House scandal hit, I was afraid people would find out about my past and ridicule me or blame me.
I was ashamed because, in fact, I had been in a cycle of healthy followed by toxic love my entire life leading up to my marriage.
I think about the man who, in an Ambien and alcohol induced stupor, cornered me and tried to strangle me.
I think about the man who, in an attempt to shut me up because he felt inferior intellectually, slapped me.
I think about the man who, for no discernible reason, ridiculed me and belittled me in front of his friends.
I think about the multiple men who, though in other ways kind and attentive, refused to acknowledge me as their partner in public.
They say the patterns for love and attachment are formed in our first three years of life. Unlucky for me, my first three years were filled with substance abuse, physical abuse, neglect and instability on the part of my parents. My mom ultimately left my father before I turned three, but the cycle of trauma had already been stored in my body.
Many times I have felt unable to remove myself from a friendship or relationship even when I knew I didn’t trust them or like them. This is called trauma bonding and was instilled in me from these original patterns with my parents.
Because of my earliest experiences with attachment, “Love,” for me, felt like abandonment. “Love” felt like having to prove myself worthy. “Love” felt like a gaping wound of unmet needs. Regardless of what I was offered by a partner, I still craved the familiar, burning, aching, tight-chested, heaving-sobs, worthless feeling that reinforced and reminded me of the painful first experiences of love from my parents.
Does the fact that I have chosen multiple toxic partners in my life mean that the abuse I endured was somehow my fault?
Does the fact that I subconsciously rejected men who loved and respected me because that didn’t feel like “Love” to me mean that I was deserving of mistreatment or violence?
The lived experience of any individual person is nuanced and unique. As a result, I believe the dynamics of any relationship is equally as nuanced and unique. It takes a courageous and brave soul to change and arrest the patterns from our past, no matter how many times we have repeated them.
The shame we feel at mistakes or choices we’ve made contributes to keeping us trapped in toxic and abusive situations. We fear that people will blame us for creating our own crisis and refuse to help us. We doubt our own decision making processes and convince ourselves that, we made our bed so we must lie in it.
At least, that is how I felt.
But it is important to note: No matter how many times I chose unhealthy relationships or how many times I stayed in toxic situations, I was never deserving of abuse. No one is. By the sheer fact that you are living and breathing on this planet today, you are WORTHY of the most amazing love. You are WORTHY of safety. You are WORTHY of the opportunity to choose differently.
I hope by acknowledging my addiction to unhealthy love, I can give others permission to change their patterns as well. Perhaps by recognizing the power your past conditioning has had over your relationships and your life, you can remove any shame associated with your choices and finally move forward into recovery. Where Love is patient. Love is kind. And Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 💛
